It started out with a kiss....

It started out with a kiss.

How did it end up like this?

It was only a kiss.

It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.

How do you know to hold on or to let go?

      Most would say an event like this must have changed everything between us and it did.  But the opposite happened than what one would think.  I never wanted to see his face ever again.  I had changed.  I no longer felt anything for him.  I ignored every contact he made and did not want to see him again.  There was no point in any contact between us. We were finished... I thought.

I have not blogged for quite sometime due to the busy schedule I have inherited, but now as I am sitting in between classes with so much to do and so little motivation, I have decided to complete a post. This post is to elaborate on my question of "How do you know to hold on or to let go?"
     Many quotes say that one must hold on to something, no matter how much people tell you to let go, as long as it it means something to you, but I am not sure if I believe this is true.  I fell for a boy a long time ago.  Four years in August would be the day when he first came up and we met.  I have never fallen for someone the first time I met them, but he was the exception.  As soon as he introduced himself, I knew he was someone that could make me happy.  We slowly became friends, but I realized nothing would ever hold itself between us.  The two of us were not meant to be together and I let go of the thoughts of being with him even though a deep down piece in my heart would always have his name.
      Staying friends for the year, our lives continued on until the night of a friend's party, his best friend put us into each other's hands and we shared our first kiss.  How simple a kiss it was, but it made a bond between us that would constantly reappear.  Harvey Fierstein stated, "A child's kiss is like magic.  Why else would they be so stingy with them?"  I felt like a child after this kiss and my heart was filled with his touch.  After that night, the kiss was put behind us as an unapproachable subject.

      It stayed that way for a year as we saw each other around and about, but never acted upon the emotions that evolved that evening.  Months later in a cold January, the call came to meet and talk about life with him.  Upon arriving, the connection began again and we fell for each other, but I was falling too deeply too quickly.  The following months were spent with each other in secret since no one could know what was going on between us.  The warm summer was filled with long nights watching the world around us rapidly change.  It could be called perfect through many eyes.
      Emotions were something that neither of us willingly shared so we did well together, but my heart was heavy and I thought my expression of emotions could bring his forth.  When I told him what I thought of him, nothing came through like I thought it would and instead all contact seized.  I struggled with the thought that my gesture would be the thing to end us forever.
     School began again and we would run into one another through the hallways and different sporting events.  Our eyes would meet, but neither one of us were willing to admit we were wrong.  This was a very hard time for me.  Different friendships and opportunities left me due to how people interpreted what was going on between us.  I was devastated.  I wanted him to disappear and never come back. I quickly made changes in my life to forget him and hoped they would work which they did until the day that my friend asked if she could ask him to Winter Formal without hard feelings between us.
     Nervous excitement erupted inside me.  I was not disappointed that she was going to ask him at all.  I thought this would give me a chance to rekindle our friendship through an evening of fun in the same group, but after my friend asked him he quickly responded with a no and a silly excuse.

      I was disappointed that I wouldn't be able to see him.  My friend and I asked boys from another school to accompany us to the dance, but my date and I had nothing in common.  What a waste of time and money I thought as I headed back to our car after the dance.  As soon as I opened the car door to get in, my phone began to ring.  As I looked down figuring it was my father calling, I saw that familiar number appear on the screen.  The number I had not seen for so long.  The number I missed more than anything to appear on my screen.  His number.
    I could not answer.  I had worked so hard to forget him and put him in my past with everything else that I referred to as "mistakes." But, that phone call haunted me for the following hours.  The group arrived at a friend's house and everyone was enjoying themselves, but I found no joy in any of it.  All of the festivities left me with sorrow as I thought about how much I wanted to be with.  It didn't help that he continued to call even when I didn't answer my phone.  I finally turned my phone off and threw it in a corner hoping it would no longer distract me.
     I could no longer take it as the pressure built up inside with the question, "What if...."  What if I never answered that call?  What if that was the call that was to change everything between us?  What if this meant something new?  I told my date that I no longer was feeling well and planned to go home early.  We said our goodbyes and the second I got in the car I turned my phone on and called the number that I dreaded more than anything.  After the first ring, he answered and told me to come to his house.  Once I arrived, he ran outside and sat down in the passenger seat and we began to talk.  Nothing about us came up, but nearly every other subject in the world did.  We spent the entire night together either driving or parked, but always talking.
     Months later, I was driving down the street with a friend and his car passed by us.  I didn't think anything of it until my phone started ringing and my friend jumped to answer it.  She quickly began giggling about whoever was on the other line and upon handing the phone to me to talk, I heard the voice on the other end and knew exactly who it was.  I gave my friend the look of "I could kill you right now and no one would ever know."  She encouraged me to talk so I responded with a weak hello and the conversation continued until he asked for me to meet him.  I wanted to say "no" so badly, but my friend encouraged me to respond with a "yes".  After the "yes" was spoken, I immediately regretted it.  I didn't know if this would put us on the map again or more importantly where it would put us.
      We talked like best friends as the night went on.  We were happy right where we were.  No obligations.  No attachment.  Just doing what we enjoyed best.  This continued for weeks until I heard the rumor that he had a girlfriend.  These rumors were confirmed by him, but I did not seem to care even though I knew I should be at least a little concerned.  I no longer had romantic feelings for him, but simply the feelings of a close friend.  He was probably the closest person I have ever been to before.

     Through this summer, we have spent numerous nights each week together enjoying each other's companionship, but now I am looking at the calendar and August will begin tomorrow.  We will both be going away to college and easily may never see each other again.  I know we will lose our closeness sooner than later.  So the question arises... should I hold on to him and hope for the best?  Or should I move on and find someone else who makes me happy as I move away to school?  Such a simple dilemma, but it holds so much depth to me.  How is one to know what the right decision would be?  This decision honestly could change my entire future.