What do I think?

I think you are the only person that I have ever been close to loving....

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...

That was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

All I can tell myself is
Live through this, and you won't look back...
There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...

Make You Feel My Love

This song defines us and how we would take care of each other as the night stars would appear.  These memories will never fade away for me.

When the rain
Is blowing in your face
And the whole world
Is on your case
I could offer you
A warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows
And the stars appear
And there is no - one there
To dry your tears
I could hold you
For a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you
Haven't made
Your mind up yet
But I would never
Do you wrong
I've known it
From the moment
That we met
No doubt in my mind
Where you belong

I'd go hungry
I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling
Down the avenue
Know there's nothing
That I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging
On the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change
Are blowing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing
Like me yet

I could make you happy
Make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends
Of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love, To make you feel my love

I broke.

After deciding that I would not allow myself to communicate with him no matter what, my phone began buzzing with texts and calls from him to spend time together.  I went a whole sixteen hours staring at my phone and refusing to respond until temptation pulled me in.  After calling him, an immediate response came and we planned on meeting together last night.  We spent a good time together, but there was the idea hovering above both our heads that we had less than a week left of this before he and I would separate to go on different paths.  This thought scared him as much as me I believe.  We had been through so much.
Our paths may never cross again, but neither of us want that to be the case as was shown last night when we were talking about seeing each other in our futures.  I do not know if things will ever be the same between us after this summer, but I do know this has been a defining chapter in my life.  He has helped push me forward onto life.  The closing of this life chapter may be hard, but I know that I have the rest of my book to finish writing.  The best has yet to come.  I can only wait to see what God has in store for me.  

Sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places.

If it is meant to be, it will be.

Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth. Be You.

Lonely.

The trouble is not that I am single and likely to stay single, but that I am lonely and likely to stay lonely.


It’s probably not just by chance that I’m alone. It would be very hard for a man to live with me, unless he’s terribly strong. And if he’s stronger than I’m the one who can’t live with him.  I’m neither smart nor stupid, but I don’t think I’m a run-of-the-mill person. I’ve been in business without being a businesswoman, I’ve loved without being a woman made only for love. The two men I’ve loved, I think, will remember me, on earth or in heaven, because men always remember a woman who caused them concern and uneasiness. I’ve done my best, in regard to people and to life, without precepts, but with a taste for justice.

Always Remember

 

If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs.

Marriage

“You know it's never fifty-fifty in a marriage. It's always seventy-thirty, or sixty-forty. Someone falls in love first. Someone puts someone else up on a pedestal. Someone works very hard to keep things rolling smoothly; someone else sails along for the ride.” 

Is bigger and better worth it?

Isn't it funny when things start working out exactly how you wanted them to, but it no longer matters because you have moved on to something bigger and better? Somedays, I really miss the thing that was smaller and not as important though because it meant so much to me at one time.

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."

I want to be married someday to my best friend.  I want to spend every minute together.  I want to live life with him and only him.

Dear Carrie...

Dear Ms. Carrie Bradshaw,
      I know what you have gone through.  I have felt what you have felt.  I have experienced what you have experienced.  And I hate it.  I know what it is like to first meet someone and fall deeply for them.  I know what it is like to have them hurt you more than anyone else.  I know what it is like to watch them love someone else right in front of you.  I understand what you felt when you thought you could never compare to their new love.  Tall, beautiful, and straight hair was what summoned his love while the short, unique, and big curly hair girl watched in despair.  I have heard the phone ring and looked down to see his number appear when he was never supposed to contact me.  I have tried to leave him behind as I moved on to bigger and better things, but I always have that name in the back of my mind.  It is as if fate is teasing me by constantly putting him in my pathway.  I now understand what you felt the night you and Big were in Paris looking at each other in the deepest way as best friends.  Now, I am to the point of asking myself, "Do I want this story to continue to where yours went?", "Will one day he fall right where I want him and we can stay there forever?", or "Should I leave before I am the one left behind?"  Carrie, I wish you were real.

It started out with a kiss....

It started out with a kiss.

How did it end up like this?

It was only a kiss.

It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness.

How do you know to hold on or to let go?

      Most would say an event like this must have changed everything between us and it did.  But the opposite happened than what one would think.  I never wanted to see his face ever again.  I had changed.  I no longer felt anything for him.  I ignored every contact he made and did not want to see him again.  There was no point in any contact between us. We were finished... I thought.

I have not blogged for quite sometime due to the busy schedule I have inherited, but now as I am sitting in between classes with so much to do and so little motivation, I have decided to complete a post. This post is to elaborate on my question of "How do you know to hold on or to let go?"
     Many quotes say that one must hold on to something, no matter how much people tell you to let go, as long as it it means something to you, but I am not sure if I believe this is true.  I fell for a boy a long time ago.  Four years in August would be the day when he first came up and we met.  I have never fallen for someone the first time I met them, but he was the exception.  As soon as he introduced himself, I knew he was someone that could make me happy.  We slowly became friends, but I realized nothing would ever hold itself between us.  The two of us were not meant to be together and I let go of the thoughts of being with him even though a deep down piece in my heart would always have his name.
      Staying friends for the year, our lives continued on until the night of a friend's party, his best friend put us into each other's hands and we shared our first kiss.  How simple a kiss it was, but it made a bond between us that would constantly reappear.  Harvey Fierstein stated, "A child's kiss is like magic.  Why else would they be so stingy with them?"  I felt like a child after this kiss and my heart was filled with his touch.  After that night, the kiss was put behind us as an unapproachable subject.

      It stayed that way for a year as we saw each other around and about, but never acted upon the emotions that evolved that evening.  Months later in a cold January, the call came to meet and talk about life with him.  Upon arriving, the connection began again and we fell for each other, but I was falling too deeply too quickly.  The following months were spent with each other in secret since no one could know what was going on between us.  The warm summer was filled with long nights watching the world around us rapidly change.  It could be called perfect through many eyes.
      Emotions were something that neither of us willingly shared so we did well together, but my heart was heavy and I thought my expression of emotions could bring his forth.  When I told him what I thought of him, nothing came through like I thought it would and instead all contact seized.  I struggled with the thought that my gesture would be the thing to end us forever.
     School began again and we would run into one another through the hallways and different sporting events.  Our eyes would meet, but neither one of us were willing to admit we were wrong.  This was a very hard time for me.  Different friendships and opportunities left me due to how people interpreted what was going on between us.  I was devastated.  I wanted him to disappear and never come back. I quickly made changes in my life to forget him and hoped they would work which they did until the day that my friend asked if she could ask him to Winter Formal without hard feelings between us.
     Nervous excitement erupted inside me.  I was not disappointed that she was going to ask him at all.  I thought this would give me a chance to rekindle our friendship through an evening of fun in the same group, but after my friend asked him he quickly responded with a no and a silly excuse.

      I was disappointed that I wouldn't be able to see him.  My friend and I asked boys from another school to accompany us to the dance, but my date and I had nothing in common.  What a waste of time and money I thought as I headed back to our car after the dance.  As soon as I opened the car door to get in, my phone began to ring.  As I looked down figuring it was my father calling, I saw that familiar number appear on the screen.  The number I had not seen for so long.  The number I missed more than anything to appear on my screen.  His number.
    I could not answer.  I had worked so hard to forget him and put him in my past with everything else that I referred to as "mistakes." But, that phone call haunted me for the following hours.  The group arrived at a friend's house and everyone was enjoying themselves, but I found no joy in any of it.  All of the festivities left me with sorrow as I thought about how much I wanted to be with.  It didn't help that he continued to call even when I didn't answer my phone.  I finally turned my phone off and threw it in a corner hoping it would no longer distract me.
     I could no longer take it as the pressure built up inside with the question, "What if...."  What if I never answered that call?  What if that was the call that was to change everything between us?  What if this meant something new?  I told my date that I no longer was feeling well and planned to go home early.  We said our goodbyes and the second I got in the car I turned my phone on and called the number that I dreaded more than anything.  After the first ring, he answered and told me to come to his house.  Once I arrived, he ran outside and sat down in the passenger seat and we began to talk.  Nothing about us came up, but nearly every other subject in the world did.  We spent the entire night together either driving or parked, but always talking.
     Months later, I was driving down the street with a friend and his car passed by us.  I didn't think anything of it until my phone started ringing and my friend jumped to answer it.  She quickly began giggling about whoever was on the other line and upon handing the phone to me to talk, I heard the voice on the other end and knew exactly who it was.  I gave my friend the look of "I could kill you right now and no one would ever know."  She encouraged me to talk so I responded with a weak hello and the conversation continued until he asked for me to meet him.  I wanted to say "no" so badly, but my friend encouraged me to respond with a "yes".  After the "yes" was spoken, I immediately regretted it.  I didn't know if this would put us on the map again or more importantly where it would put us.
      We talked like best friends as the night went on.  We were happy right where we were.  No obligations.  No attachment.  Just doing what we enjoyed best.  This continued for weeks until I heard the rumor that he had a girlfriend.  These rumors were confirmed by him, but I did not seem to care even though I knew I should be at least a little concerned.  I no longer had romantic feelings for him, but simply the feelings of a close friend.  He was probably the closest person I have ever been to before.

     Through this summer, we have spent numerous nights each week together enjoying each other's companionship, but now I am looking at the calendar and August will begin tomorrow.  We will both be going away to college and easily may never see each other again.  I know we will lose our closeness sooner than later.  So the question arises... should I hold on to him and hope for the best?  Or should I move on and find someone else who makes me happy as I move away to school?  Such a simple dilemma, but it holds so much depth to me.  How is one to know what the right decision would be?  This decision honestly could change my entire future.

I can watch a sunset on my own.

Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

People Help the People

God knows what is hiding in that weak and drunken heart
I guess you kissed the girls and made them cry
Those Hardfaced Queens of misadventure
God knows what is hiding in those weak and sunken eyes
A fiery throng of muted angels
Giving love and getting nothing back

People help the people
And if your homesick, give me your hand and i'll hold it
People help the people
And nothing will drag you down
Oh and if I had a brain, Oh and if I had a brain
i'd be cold as a stone and rich as the fool
That turned, all those good hearts away

God knows what is hiding, in that world of little consequence
Behind the tears, inside the lies
A thousand slowly dying sunsets
God knows what is hiding in those weak and drunken hearts
I guess the loneliness came knocking
No on needs to be alone, oh save me

People help the people
And if your homesick, give me your hand and i'll hold it
People help the people
Nothing will drag you down
Oh and if I had a brain, Oh and if I had a brain
I'd be cold as a stone and rich as the fool
That turned, all those good hearts away

People help the people
And if your homesick, give me your hand and I'll hold it
People help the people
Nothing will drag you down
Oh and if I had a brain, Oh and if I had a brain
I'd be cold as a stone and rich as the fool
That turned, all those good hearts away

You'll be the leader of the pack. Wolves always at your back.

It is your girl.

Last night I had a dream about this girl I know
God she’s beautiful
But when I woke up I realized
that the dream I had was true
You see I’m not trying to cause any trouble
But the way she acts makes it difficult
To be the guy I am around my friends
She’s got to stop what she’s doing now
Cause that is your girl, it’s your girl
Last night when I went to bed
I just couldn’t sleep, I was so confused
because every time she looks at me
it feels like the way she should be looking at you
and every time she dances with me
it feels like the way she should be dancing with you
and you know I’m not the only one that feels this way
she’s got to stop what she’s doing now
Cause that is your girl, it’s your girl

Do I still cross your mind?

It's been at least another year
And still I haven't got the chance to say
Always rolling off the tongue
Never said but nearly sung about a million ways
Do I still cross your mind?

Just a Boy...

I bit my tongue in the awkward conversation.
I don't know why.
I don't know why.
I met you once and I'd fallen for your notions.
I don't know why.
I don't know why.
Do you believe that there's treasures in the ocean
Did I say I'm just a boy?

One kiss from you and I'm drunk up on your potion.
That big old smile is all you wore.
Girl you make me want to feel,
Things I've never felt before.
Girl you make me want to feel,
Did I say I'm just a boy,
Did I say I'm just a boy,
You can hold me to that.

I GOT INTO BRIGHAM YOUNG UNIVERSITY!

In a sea of people, my eyes will always search for you.

True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

Catch my dreams and take them with you till we meet again.

I really believe you were the greatest thing to ever happen to me.

Sometimes the right path is not always the easiest.

The human brain cannot create faces. Therefore when you dream, if you see someone you do not know, you have seen their face sometime before- even if it was for a split second.

I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.

Nothing you confess could make me love you less....

You know my name, not my story. You have heard what I have done, not what I have been through.

It is always darkest before the dawn...

I do not believe in the Republican Party or the Democratic Party. I just believe in parties.

Tamed.

Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed.  Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them.

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.

As we grow up....

As we grow up, we learn that the people that weren't supposed to ever let us down, probably will.
You will have your heart broken and will break others' hearts.
You will blame a new love for things an old love did.
You will fight with you best friend.
You will cry because time is flying by.
You will lose someone you love.
So...
Take too many pictures.
Laugh too much.
Forgive freely.
Love like you have never been hurt.
Every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you will never get back.

You were given this life because you were strong enough to live it.

Do not...

Do not promise when you are happy.
Do not reply when you are angry.
Do not decide when you are sad.

Save your own heart...

Sometimes you just got to be your own hero and save your own little heart.  Because sometimes, the people you can't imagine living without, can actually live without you.

Beautiful.

At the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?" A woman answered the following way: Dear people, Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness. They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia. They sing incredibly well and are sometimes even on CDs. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defends and admires. Mermaids do not exist. But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish? They would have no sex life and could not bear children. Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad. And, who wants a woman that smells like fish by his side? Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream, to have dinner with my dates, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

No one is YOUER than YOU!

Today you are YOU, that is truer than true!
There is NO ONE alive who is YOUER than YOU!

Do what you love. Love what you do.

The only way to do great work is to love what you do.  If you haven't found it yet, keep looking.  Don't settle.  As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it.

Memories.

I think that the only reason why people hold onto memories so tight, for so long is because memories are the only things that don't change, even when people do...

I just want you.

I just want you.  
That's it.  I want all your flaws, mistakes, smiles, giggles, jokes, sarcasm.  Everything.  
I just want you.

If I had to choose again, I would still choose you.

I love you.

I loved you yesterday.  I love you still.
I always have.  I always will.